The diagnosis of infertility alone is enough to trigger a series of difficult emotions, which release the natural human reaction to what is happening. One of these emotions is anger, which sometimes manifests intensely and other times more quietly — even guiltily. Anger is often seen as a “bad/wrong” emotion that troubles us with its intensity. However, we must remember that it, too, has its utility, like all other human emotions.
Where is Anger Usually Directed?
Anger can be directed at fate, destiny, ourselves, our partner, those who bring us bad news, those who ask why we don’t have children yet, every piece of advice that doesn’t help, and the question of why this is happening to us.
When Does It Appear?
Anger can be present from the initial unsuccessful attempts, during the diagnosis of infertility, and throughout the effort.
Which Partner Feels It More?
There is no rule. One partner might react more strongly to anger due to personality, circumstances, or other factors, or both partners might experience it simultaneously.
How Can We Express Our Anger Without Harming the Relationship?
Given the intensity it naturally causes, it is important not to express anger aggressively within the couple. The manner of expression plays a significant role: saying “it’s your fault” or various personal insults is different from saying “I am angry with what is happening.” When anger is accepted and there is understanding, it is more likely to subside sooner.
How Can We Manage It?
As with any emotion, managing anger becomes easier when we understand its role and the need it serves. Anger is part of the reaction to something we experience as difficulty, loss, or change. It also expresses a sense of injustice. The goal is to move more smoothly toward accepting the new situation through the release of these reactions.
Caution
If anger is intense and persistent, hindering our progress, we might need to pay more attention to our deeper needs and how we perceive adaptation. Often, the sense of justice behind anger can become confining. While it seems to be fighting to justify us, it may prevent us from moving forward.